*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly