Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.