I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”