Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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My first son he is wonderful
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes