My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
War & Peace
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.