If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me trying to reach for my goals
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule