Coffee for people with no kids
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Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
how high up are we talkin’?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth