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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My current situation
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
unbelievably distressed by this ad
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.