Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Rambo Rambow
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
yeah no that’s fair
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually