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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not