ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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A small tragedy.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
This could be us… but you playing
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.