[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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i think we should see other cousins
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.