Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Sharon, call the vet
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family