Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?