Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.