Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?