wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”