I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Thursday
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything