Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Something Saturday.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there