I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.