Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You Might Also Like
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.