Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Plant care tips
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage