In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.