me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
i think both sides are to blame here
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer