if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
58.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.