From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground