The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
You Might Also Like
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*