Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant