Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Hero horse inspires millions
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Yup….perfect score!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.