I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow