me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*