Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully