somebody come look at this
You Might Also Like
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”