Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Inside you there are two wolves
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.