Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Shoo shoo! 😂
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.