I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.