Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
need him
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”