my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought