If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.