When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’ve been drinking.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
LOL
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.