Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
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HR said no more nunchucks.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
jesus christ confetti not now
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son