JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
This is always good for a laugh.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.