Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.