Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.