On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
True statement👍😏😁
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
In space, no one can hear…
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.