ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
seems like a niche market
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull