absolutely not
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Europe. Made in Germany.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.