E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
This pepper has seen some shit
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m Sold!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.