Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My wife hasn鈥檛 touched me since the election. She took Gore鈥檚 loss pretty hard.
I don鈥檛 care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn鈥檛 say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The word r茅sum茅 has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: Wow, this one鈥檚 super dirty. I鈥檓 going to leave it to soak
Wife: That鈥檚 our daughter and no you鈥檙e not
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 馃し馃槅馃ぃ馃う
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.