My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s